I’m guilty…
Not because I taught her that four-letter word. I spell out all my bad words. She didn’t hear this one from me.
Nothing Means What To A 16 year old?
When my daughter Kay was 16 years old, we were talking about college applications. The problem was that she only wanted to apply to colleges she was sure she would get in to. I’m like, “What?” The plan had always been University of Wisconsin, Madison. That had always been her first choice!
Really, I don’t mind her changing the plan. The issue is why she’s changing the plan.
After I told her that Madison accepts only 20% of its applicants, Kay reduced her dreams to other schools because she was afraid to fail. Bad mom! I never realized my little trivia lesson was going to be negative.
Fail - that’s a word I don’t want in my daughter’s vocabulary!
She doesn’t want to fail? Again, I’m like what?
You want to change your plan because you’re afraid to fail? You don’t even want to submit an application? You couldn’t take a UW-Madison rejection letter? It would make you feel like your whole life up to this point is a failure? If you weren’t accepted, all these years of school, the great grades, and the honor role would all be for nothing?
Nothing means ? (what) to a sixteen year old?
I snapped into ‘mommy-mode’! I put my brain on listen while I strive to be calm. I attempt to see things from her point of view.
But by this time she was in tears. She started explaining how she would feel, getting that particular rejection letter. It would make her feel like a complete failure. She would have no future. She would be working behind the counter at Pizza Hut for the rest of her life.
What I Learned that Made Me a Better Parent
This lesson really made me think about how serious and important it is that our kids can share their feelings with us!
What if she felt she couldn’t have shared her real feelings with me? This would have been smoldering inside her. I would never have known. I would never would have been able to help. I would have never been able to comfort her. She would never have applied to the school she wanted!
Just as in any relationship, trust and being non-judgmental or objective until you have a full understanding of the situation is a basic; but one that is easily forgotten. For me this is especially important in my relationship with my kids. They’re not adults. They’re not my friends or peers. Sometimes I forget to give them that same basic courtesy that I would give someone else.
It really is so basic. It really is so easily forgotten.
Let’s Get Real with Our Kids
Are you ready to hear the truth? Does your teen feel comfortable enough to share their real life with you?
Are you ready to hear what you never wanted to know?
Raising my teenagers sometimes reminds me of this exchange from the movie A Few Good Men:
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Kaffee: I Want The Truth!
Col. Jessup: [Shouting] You Can’t Handle The Truth!
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Us, “getting real” with our kids means being open to them being real with us.
Real is the four-letter word we want in our relationships with our kids.
Fast forward to April 2008 … Kay did apply and was accepted into UW-Madison and actually several other colleges too. She is going to UW-Madison!
Now I have a whole new set of worries and concerns, but we can talk about that another time.
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