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I’m guilty…
Not because I taught her that four-letter word. I spell out all my bad words. She didn’t hear this one from me.
When my daughter Kay was 16 years old, we were talking about college applications. The problem was that she only wanted to apply to colleges she was sure she would get in to. I’m like, “What?” The plan had always been University of Wisconsin, Madison. That had always been her first choice!
Really, I don’t mind her changing the plan. The issue is why she’s changing the plan.
After I told her that Madison accepts only 20% of its applicants, Kay reduced her dreams to other schools because she was afraid to fail. Bad mom! I never realized my little trivia lesson was going to be negative.
Fail - that’s a word I don’t want in my daughter’s vocabulary!
She doesn’t want to fail? Again, I’m like what?
You want to change your plan because you’re afraid to fail? You don’t even want to submit an application? You couldn’t take a UW-Madison rejection letter? It would make you feel like your whole life up to this point is a failure? If you weren’t accepted, all these years of school, the great grades, and the honor role would all be for nothing?
Nothing means ? (what) to a sixteen year old?
I snapped into ‘mommy-mode’! I put my brain on listen while I strive to be calm. I attempt to see things from her point of view.
But by this time she was in tears. She started explaining how she would feel, getting that particular rejection letter. It would make her feel like a complete failure. She would have no future. She would be working behind the counter at Pizza Hut for the rest of her life.
This lesson really made me think about how serious and important it is that our kids can share their feelings with us!
What if she felt she couldn’t have shared her real feelings with me? This would have been smoldering inside her. I would never have known. I would never would have been able to help. I would have never been able to comfort her. She would never have applied to the school she wanted!
Just as in any relationship, trust and being non-judgmental or objective until you have a full understanding of the situation is a basic; but one that is easily forgotten. For me this is especially important in my relationship with my kids. They’re not adults. They’re not my friends or peers. Sometimes I forget to give them that same basic courtesy that I would give someone else.
It really is so basic. It really is so easily forgotten.
Are you ready to hear the truth? Does your teen feel comfortable enough to share their real life with you?
Are you ready to hear what you never wanted to know?
Raising my teenagers sometimes reminds me of this exchange from the movie A Few Good Men:
_______________________________________________
Kaffee: I Want The Truth!
Col. Jessup: [Shouting] You Can’t Handle The Truth!
_______________________________________________
Us, “getting real” with our kids means being open to them being real with us.
Real is the four-letter word we want in our relationships with our kids.
Fast forward to April 2008 … Kay did apply and was accepted into UW-Madison and actually several other colleges too. She is going to UW-Madison!
Now I have a whole new set of worries and concerns, but we can talk about that another time.
40 Responses to “Who Taught My Kid That Four-Letter Word?”
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Raising great children is one of the most important things parents will ever do!
We can and should learn from each other!
Being the ex. Wife of a narcissistic and high achieving man and the mother to his only child… I am worried to the point of nervous distraction of how I can protect my child from a combination of my insecurities and her father’s vicarious ambitions.
Having never been to college in the traditional sense I want the best for my daughter of 10 but already see the problems piling up… her inability to focus academically, her distractions related to her gender and to keep her esteem high enough in a healthy way is difficult.
Raising her alone with her father far away I am at once relieved and worried that I may mess it up and only have myself to blame.
Count yourself lucky that you child at least had the confidence to actually apply for the college of her choice.
Why is it in our society that academic failure gives us such a sense of loss rather than a sense of challenge or a sense of necessity in a coming of age that we all must go through… If we never face it in youth how can we ever face it in our maturity of life?
Education is not a time limited attribute. Some excel later some earlier. Some are academic some other wise inclined.
I have been given the task of raising my only daughter with the demons of her father’s ambition and I cannot see it’s merit. I strive to have her attain a decent grade in the subjects that she does not necessarily like but that she can manage given the drudge of daily work….
I feel like I hold a butterfly in my hands and I should let it free to fly around being just as it wishes to be, beautiful and transient and let it settle down later to cocoon and worry about how it shall evolve.
They are only children once…..
I am not perhaps a good parent…
Despite sticking to what is deemed to be that which is supposed to be good parenting I still wish to set her free.
Parenting is so very hard… Particularly if you really care.
And I am wondering - is fear of failure or even communication the real lesson here. Or is it perhaps the fear of success. What does it mean to succeed in our society today? What are we teaching our kids about how to evaluate their self worth, and how has that effected the state of nature and of humanity? Is an ivy league education and a fortune 5 job the reason for our existence? And if so, does that mean the rest of humanity - the 99.9999% that don’t have these thing, are worthless failures? Shame!
There’s a reason we always thought our parents were “old” — we made them that way! Every day is a new experience with kids…no one ever gives you an owner’s manual for the “right” way to do things. Some days are better than others, but as long as your kids see you always trying, that will be the greatest lesson you can provide: love never gives up.
Anita Bruzzese
Parenting is so difficult, and I’m only about 3 years into it. Some of these life lessons must be so difficult to instill into kids. How do you teach them that failure does not define them? Glad you were able to help her through the process and that she’s doing so well at school!
Looks like you’re off to a good start! I look forward to checking back with you! Good post - ‘real’ is definitely preferred to ‘fail,’ although we can teach and learn at every type of opportunity.
You hit on a point that does get lost so easily: are our kid’s scared to tell us about their real feelings, what’s really going on? For me, learning as I go, the best aspect of parenthood for my children is when I can be their sounding board. I need lots of practice on keeping my trap shut so they can get their feelings and thoughts out on the table before I jump in. Thanks for the thoughtful, timely post!
I don’t have children but your points are applicable in any relationship - spouse, friends and workplace. Getting real, and being willing to listen are valuable truths that we often forget. Congratulations on your daughter’s acceptance to college. I am sure that will provide lots of fodder for future blog posts.
This is a double scoop good post.
So important to really listen to kids and really teach them that not only is it OK to fail, but it is IMPORTANT to fail. Can’t learn, can’t grow, can’t succeed, can’t invent, can’t inspire without it.
It’s one of the must do’s in life.
You must be very proud of her,
and congratulations on the blog too!
@Maria Just do your best! Keeps the lines of communication open and be there. You can send me an email using the ‘Contact’ button on the main toolbar and we can talk more. Hope you subscribe to future posts via email.
@Karen, @Zena, @Jeremy, @Randa, & @Anita Thank you so much! It’s all of you who give me so much support & love.
@Brian I don’t let society tell me what success is. We need to define success for ourselves. Thanks for your feedback.
I often wonder about the very different dynamic between being a dad versus being a mom, too. It’s been interesting to see what gets revealed to each person, when and how.
For me, at least, making a really deliberate effort to try to stand in my daughter’s shoes has been a pretty powerful experience.
Good food for thought post!
Vicky now you know you really are REMARKABLE, just look how many comments you got on your FIRST EVER blog post! Keep up the great work, I for one will be following your advice because my little girl is already a handful
Congratulations on a very successful first post! Here’s to a bright future and more great stories shared among friends!
Great 1st post. What a wonderful bit of sharing, and a story that hits home for many of us as parents. Getting real with our kids is often tougher because of us than it should be. Your post inspires me to spend more time really listening instead of trying to get to the fix right away.
More more more.
Congrats on the blog! Great post to kick things off with!
I feel the same way about nurturing our kids’ ability (and skills) to share feelings. When they can vocalize their feelings, it helps those giant-seeming fears shrink down to something they can handle.
@Maria, you are doing so much better than you think you are. You’re hanging in there and staying with those uncomfortable feelings, rather than running away because it’s scary. You’re staying engaged. You’re striving for understanding rather than thinking you know it all. Those are all such wonderful things to show your daughter. Keep trying, keep asking questions, and believe in yourself! I know that sounds trite, but it’s really true.
I agree that this relates to all relationships. I always thought that a relationship starts going downhill when one or the other stops telling the truth. Stops being fully real. And that’s what’s so compelling at the beginning - all that opening up and honesty!
Great post, Vicky, and a reminder to all of us to keep it real.
Thanks!
Great post! It’s important that parents motivate their kids. I always tell my boys about the stumbles I’ve had along the way that they never saw, so they know that they always have to go for the dream. I was pleased when my oldest (19) got on his little brother’s case (little guy is 13) for not applying for a scholarship as a teacher suggested he try for. Big brother simply said, ‘how do you know you’re not good enough?’ made me proud.
What a great article - I felt the underlying emotion all through it. Congrats on your first article - it was fantastic.
I very much enjoyed it. Thanks for alerting me to it. Keep going - you have great writing skills.
I’m glad that SOBCon inspired you to start this blog
let me know if I can help.
Shashi
@Maria I was very much you (really close actually)10 years ago and I like you ‘really cared’. I’ve tried so hard and that’s why there have been successes! You (or me 10 years ago) is what drove me to begin this site. I’m a single parent too, which is just one more layer of complexity that makes it so difficult.
@Jonathon I often wonder too, which is why I’m so happy that so many dad’s have stopped by.
@Chris This site would not be here without your counsel. You are REMARKABLE too!
@Becky, @Cynthia, @YatPundit, @Shashi, @Stephen Thanks.
@Todd I have made it a practice in my life to remember to listen more than I speak. I had to train myself to do it, didn’t come naturally.
@Sonia Communication is so important with kids.
@Wendi I feel the same way, failing should be a given in life.
Nice first post, Vicky.
And that’s a great segment from A Few Good Men. In fact, you could probably cobble together a parody over on YouTube about parenting using clips from that movie (if you were so inclined). There are a bunch of parodies — one about accountants, one about sales people, and so on. All use that courtroom scene from the movie.
Like these:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OTgb3KO7QM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMfzy5KXMNc&feature=related
My wife walked out on me and my 2 kids when they were 11(son) and 5(daughter). my son is now 20 and in the navy with his own family, my daughter is 16. I know things about teen girls that dads have NEVER wanted to know. My daughter and I talk about everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. I have always told both of my kids that what ever they do, school, sports whatever, do their very best, then even if you fail, you know that you did your best. I hate the way that we have started doing things in this country now, like “T” ball, not keeping score, what is that teaching the kids? it is teaching them that nobody wins, well if nobody wins then everybody is a loser. I worked and still work with kids, and that is what I tell them, always do your very best, not for anyone but yourself, if you fail, you fail, thats part of life, but as long as YOU KNOW that you did your very best then you can start again and fail your way to success, just ask Thomas Edison.
What a great first post, girl! I find myself limiting my efforts to things I’m fairly confident I’ll be good at from time to time, and that’s not an approach I recommend. There’s something to be said for certain success, but there’s also something to be said for surprising yourself when you reach outside your comfort zone. Sounds like your kiddo’s got someone strong to help her along the way. Keep up the good work.
Loved the headline! “Four-letter word” indeed! Excellent first post. One of the hardest things about being a parent is that we want our children to better than we are (or were). Children don’t pay half as much attention to what we say, but to what we do. When those two things don’t match, get ready for the spite.
As a parent, your actions and the example you set is the most powerful teacher. Knowing that has made me make decisions differently, because I know I’m trying to show my children how to make life’s decisions bravely. I don’t always succeed, but I hope I do enough for them to get the message.
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Thanks for the thoughtful post. I read a quotation when my daughter was little that I didn’t understand until she was a teenager. Now that she’s 19 and in college, I totally get it. “The life your kids lead and the life you think they lead are two different lives.” Our culture is so fractured that the different generations are typically isolated from each other, each immersed in a different world that rarely visits (much less understands) the other. Parents hunker down into their careers and running a home; teenagers embrace their social world as their new family. Teen culture in recent years is much more intense and worldly than it was in my youth, and scarier — yet it’s private and hidden from most parents. My daughter shared just enough to let me think she was sharing everything, but as time has gone on, I’ve learned that I only knew a fraction of all that she faced as a teenager — the peer pressure, the hidden lifestyles, sexual expectations, etc. I’m lucky and blessed that she’s a dean’s list student at a top university, that she didn’t succumb to too many of her generation’s vices, and that as she matures, she is sharing more and more with me about what really was going on during her teen years. Your post is an eye-opener for many, I hope: Parents, keep talking to your kids! Let them know you’re there for them, even when you don’t like what they tell you. My daughter thanked me for listening without judging, but little did she know that I was biting my tongue until it bled sometimes, trying not to faint — especially when she told me that there was more to tell but she was afraid to go on. Their world is so immense and loaded with conflicting values that I feel sorry for their pressures and challenges. Fear of failure is only one of hundreds of fears they face. My daughter told me recently that fear of my disapproval was her greatest fear (in spite of her apparent indifference toward my opinions throughout the years). So keep talking, parents! More importantly, keep listening! They DO need us.
Excellent post! This is a very real issue and I see it all the time with students. I push them to be the best and to do more but they are truly afraid to Fail. That is why so many kids do so poorly on the SAT, they don’t know that you only need to answer half the questions correctly to make a 500 and they answer them all!
It is tough moving into a world where we must fall down again after we’ve gotten past our younger childhood but that is where she’s heading!
Great job on the blog!
This is your first post? You are living your Divine Purpose for sure … writing, blogging, being a mom. This is very good advice, and I know that I always try to do activities because they make my heart sing, and bring me joy or challenge.. but to keep fear at bay?.. That is one I try to ignore… with mixed results occasionally. But usually I go for it. I hope I can install that in my daughter.
The challenges of parenting are huge. When my kids were young, I wondered what being a dad would be like when they were older and could “take care of themselves.” My children now range from 19 to 24 and it turns out the parenting part is still hard and requires lots of work. I love it when they drop by, send an unexpected email or IM me.
Thanks for creating this site and making us think about some important stuff.
@Anita Fabulous idea, wish I would have thought of that. I did think of including an audio link to the scene, but wanted the content to be the focus, so I decided not too. Maybe next time I will.
@Steve You bring a different perspective of the word fail in a different context, thanks for doing that and opening the discussion further!
@Kristen We all like to stay in our comfort zone, teenagers bring you out of it, like it or not!
@Michael The part of your comment “Children don’t pay half as much attention to what we say, but to what we do.” is so true as they get older. They don’t just blindly accept what we say without our actually doing it.
@Selin I may have to ask you to borrow that quote ““The life your kids lead and the life you think they lead are two different lives.” Our culture is so fractured that the different generations are typically isolated from each other, each immersed in a different world that rarely visits (much less understands) the other.” sometime. It’s very true and very well written. Thanks for sharing.
@Vicki It’s so wonderful to have an educator’s prospective. There is so much in life we don’t know and it can be a disadvantage in life. Thanks for that interesting perspective.
@Michelle I feel this is my Divine Purpose, this site was created because I feel so passionate about raising children well. As it says on the ‘About’ page, parents fly by the seat of their pants. Hopefully we can all help each other as we raise our remarkable children.
@Jeff I am glad that you have such a great relationship with your children. You can help others see how rewarding it is when that relationship we spent years building is successfully extended into our child’s adulthood.
I was the complete opposite. Only had my sights set on Furman University and that is the only one I applied to. Never crossed my mind that I wouldn’t get in, even though people told me that it was the “Harvard of the South.” I knew in my heart they would accept me and never thought otherwise. My parents didn’t have enough education to tell me otherwise either and never wanted me to go to college anyway. That is almost as scary as being afraid of failure. Extremes either way is not a good thing.
I’m glad to see parents encouraging their children to dream but to be there when those dreams occasionally don’t pan out. As a high school principal I am beginning to see a trend with parents settling or promoting junior college over taking the risk of applying and not being admitted to a liberal arts or traditional four year college.
Life is full of risks. You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. At the same time I see people forcing their own egos on their children. I see our higher end students point jockeying instead of taking electives they have a general interest in. Nothing’s ever perfect but I’m glad to see parents trying to find the right balance.
One thing I’m starting to learn as a parent (better late than never, right?) is “bite your lip”. You’re so right about listening, giving your children a chance to express everything. Like a lot of guys I guess, I tend to go off half cocked and it backfires every time!
Thank you everyone for commenting! I love all you guys for helping me make my first post so successful!
way to go vicky - this is fantastic! More!! More ! More.
from the age of your Kay, and the age of my Kate you and I would say that we both were part of the parenting set who didn’t all meet at starbucks, take walks together or have blogs and websites to turn to -we were isolated. I felt isolated.
Your Blog will be such a great resource to so many.
Great post, especially for a first! You’ve raised some very important points and I applaud you and your daughter for the knowledge and insight you’ve both gained through this experience.
I agree completely with everything that you said and I can see that you are very strong in your approach but you still have insecurities. That tells me that you are a good parent, period. I tend to distrust the parents who think that they have all of the answers, all of the time.
Those are the parents who are just going by rote, the automatons that I call “Microwave parents”. They seem to believe that if it was in a text book or on TV, its what is supposed to be done. Like our microwave generation - three minutes on high and the perfect balanced child should be ready. Not so in the big mean real world.
Bless your dear heart for seeing and understanding that. Your children will carry on what they’ve learnt from you and this is truly wonderful parenting. Honest, real and from the heart, not the magazine rack.
[...] Who Taught My Kid That Four-Letter Word? [...]
@Mother Earth I totally agree. It seemed that when our kids were small if you weren’t a cookie cutter type mom, you weren’t a good mom. That’s one of the reasons this web site is so important to me!
@Jean Thank you. I hope you come back and share often.
I couldn’t understand some parts of this article talking teens | Remarkable Parents, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.
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